Today, I made the decision to embrace the journey, to surrender to what is inevitable. Although I am uncertain about these unsettling feelings, I have trust that the other side will bring grounding. I believe that these past seven years have been the subtle beginnings of what is yet to come. Am I afraid? Yes, absolutely. The unknown and significant changes are what shatter us. But through those cracks, the seed widens, ready to grow, bloom, and even reproduce. What I do know is that as I sit here at the start of a new phase in my womanhood, I feel the quickening within the smaller cycle, currently in the pre-menstrual stage. It is a feeling of knowing that things will never be the same.
Discernment, tenacity, and reverence are my guiding principles. Discernment is the ability to make wise judgments, and it involves being aware, understanding, and taking action. Tenacity is the determination to hold on firmly. And reverence is the deep respect I have for myself and others. The quickening hits me like a brick wall, urging me to get my life in order. The monthly pre-menstrual stage is a practice for this bigger fork in the road called perimenopause. Just like a choose-your-own-adventure book from childhood, Option A leads to one life, while Option B leads to a different story.
This is a time of restlessness, letting go, and reevaluating my life and its meaning. It is a time to consider how I want to experience life, who I want to share it with, and what I want to do. It is a time to shake up the waters, let them become murky, and crack open the seed. It is a time of movement and change. There is no time to stay comfortable in this burst of energy. Just like the pre-menstrual stage, I must not waste these gifts. I must embrace them softly, slowly, and deeply. It is time to prepare for the descent.
I feel like I am preparing for the Underworld, but not the Underworld as commonly perceived. It is a transition to a world where comparisons hold no power. As we go through our cycles, from maiden to mother, from magna to crone, we become apprentices and eventually rise as wise women. We live everything in between. I don't know my next chapter, but I know how I want to experience it. I want to feel depth, softness, slowness, freedom, safety, expansiveness, and a sense of home. These past ten years have been a journey of learning what it means to be a woman. It hasn't been easy, especially without the guidance of grandmothers or aunts. I have had to find my own way, rediscovering the forgotten ways of womanhood. I am still learning, and I am only scratching the surface.
Interestingly, when I was born, I was the first female in my family for 65 years. My paternal grandmother, my namesake, passed away before I was born, and my maternal grandmother lived overseas, so I only met her once or twice. I didn't have any real aunts as part of my village. I was the only female on my dad's side. Looking back, I realize that I created my own version of womanhood and continue to pave the way for my own 2 daughters. I believe that my work is to recreate the lineage of awakened women who are in tune with their bodies and see the menstrual cycle and feminine embodiment as a spiritual practice and their internal compass. Daily, weekly, and monthly rituals of gathering, collecting, releasing, and letting go is the cyclical way.
In this transitional phase of my life, as I approach 46, I am discovering that some things that nourish our souls can also break our hearts. And that is the truth.
I believe that everyone on earth we meet comes into our lives for a lesson, blessing, reason, or season. They allow us to explore different parts of ourselves. As I reflect on the past few years of my life, I wonder when I will finally have it all figured out. But then I connect with my authentic self and realize that I am exactly where I need to be. I believe that the best is yet to come, but I also understand that there is no final destination. The journey itself is the purpose. It is how we meet ourselves and touch the deepest parts of our being.
So, as I navigate these murky waters of transition, I will embrace the tools, knowledge, and rituals of my body in a feminine way. I will move with care, gentleness, and softness. I will love myself with self-compassion, discernment, tenacity, and reverence. These words hold true for me right now.
As I conclude this conversation, I invite you to ask yourself the same question:
How can I be more gentle with myself today?